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Installment #2 |
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Since the first person set hands to stone and went up, rock climbing has been filled with myth and lore. Climbing inspires in us visions of greatness for ourselves and our hero's as we push towards new levels of achievement. Unfortunately, sometimes we lose sight of basic scientific variables which dictate our chances of success and failure. One of the most important ways to determine your ability is to correctly estimate your own age. Unfortunately correctly estimating your own age can be very difficult. The following abstract describes the need for a "rock solid" method by which climbers may correctly figure out their own age, and subsequently their climbing ability. Thereafter is the first ever NewEnglandBouldering.com self-help quiz. Which, when printed out and taken in a quiet room with a no.2 pencil, will help you correctly determine your age.
The Undocumented effects of Although it remains unknown to some climbers, age directly determines how hard you can climb. For example: Most modern teenage climbers view climbing V10 as a basic inalienable human right. Similar to their right of freedom of speech, their right to vote, or their right to play video games for 16hrs every day. In contrast, most modern climbers over the age of 30 think V10 is an ingredient in their multivitamin, or perhaps a new, more invigorating vegetable drink. The problem is that the majority of older climbers are totally unaware that they have aged beyond the point where they will ever have a chance of climbing hard. This lack of awareness stems from a general public misunderstanding of the word "old". When used in relation to climbers, the word "old" refers to people aged 23 and over. While the word "ancient" refers to climbers 27 and over. Linguists are furiously laboring to produce a term for people over the age of 30 who haven't grown out of it yet. A recent CNN/USA Today Gallup New York Times Better Homes and Gardens poll of climbers at the public library in Lander WY, revealed that most people think of the term "old" as referring to climbers over the age of 50. The CUTGNYTBHG poll underscores the seriousness of the public ignorance. As most educated climbers know, there are no "climbers" over the age of 50 at all. People of that demographic are correctly referred to as "Alpinists," or "Reinhold Messner." As many public assistance programs have proven, the first step towards a solution of the problem is an aggressive education program. Therefore, the following quiz, fashioned by the editors of Cosmopolitan magazine, is an attempt to help you the "rock climber," determine your real age. A "Cosmo Quiz" if you will. Once you have completed the quiz, calculate your score and then read the results section to estimate your current age and ability. How old am I? Please read each question carefully and choose the most appropriate response. Remember there are no "wrong" answers, and the results are for posterity. So please, be honest. At the end of the quiz there is a score chart so you may grade yourself and correctly determine your age. 1. You and attractive member of the opposite sex are standing outside a Cigar Bar after an excellent meal at an upscale establishment. The evening has been a smashing success thus far, and as you are thinking what the perfect finish to a perfect evening would be. You decide:
2. My climbing hero is:
3. The boulder problems established by John Gill were:
4. You saw the following film in the theatre when it was originally released:
5. You are elected President of the United States. After long and careful deliberation, you decide that you want your first decree to reflect your presidency as a whole. You think the first thing you should do while in office is:
6. THE pioneering Gunks climber was:
7. Yosemite is:
8. Who is Royal Robbins?
Scoring
Question #1
Question #2
Question #3
Question #4
Question #5
Question #6
Question #7
Question #8 Results: -10 to 10 points: You are between 0 and 18 years of age. Congratulations! By scoring in the 0 to 18 years of age category you have placed in the prime development stage for rock climbing ability. Here are your climbing attributes: You climb on average 0 to 7 days per week. The actual number of days you climb per week has no bearing on your ability because you can send V11 before the local routesetter is done showing you the holds, whether or not you've been "training". From time to time people will try to confuse you with big words like, "sequence", "technique", or "footwork". These are simply the attempts of the "old but in denial" demographic (see next section) to prop up their sagging abilities by distracting you from the easiest way to climb which is of course, campusing. Notice that You've never heard anyone of your age group use these words themselves. See? The only "technique" you should worry about is how many prostitutes you're going to run over while playing Grand Theft Auto 3. 11 to 31 points: You are between 19 and 26 years of age. You are old but in denial. You are unaware that you have aged beyond the point where you have any chance of being any good at rock climbing. It's too bad that you had to hear it here, but sooner or later you were going to find out anyways. Fortunately you are of an age where rock climbing is still a worthwhile activity. Your ability may span a wide range of grades, but it's important to begin feeling good about whatever your actual most recent hard climb is because it's all downhill from here. Now is a good time to begin picking up other pursuits that seem cool to your peers but are really just meant to distract from your fading talents. Some popular options chosen by other recent entries in to your demographic include: Golf, "work", writing (my favorite), or filmmaking. 32 to 87 points: You are between 27 and 75 years of age. If you scored in this demographic, it's time to sit sown with your close friends and family and have an honest chat. You should really be a little embarrassed that something as silly as climbing rocks is of major interest to you, and now is as good a time as any to try to apologize for your self absorption. As for your internet surfing habits; your hormones should have calmed down enough by now that soft porn sites like newenglandbouldering.com are no longer of interest for you. A more appropriate use of your Internet time might be looking over your investment portfolio, or planning your next cruise ship vacation. Make sure that the boat has good dinner music and a casino because your favorite artist should be Wayne Newton and the only time your heart rate should pass 80 is at the roulette wheel. Note: There is one exemption of the above. If you accomplished any major first ascents or free solos of notable big walls or peaks before the age of 26, or Mark Twight counts you as a major influence on his climbing, it is permissible to still climb on weekends only. Should you fall into this category, you may speak in pained and grudging tones of the suffering climbing has inflicted on your life and soul. You may not however climb because it is fun, only to get in touch with ghosts from the past. 88 to 2425 points: Time to adjust your heart medication Maybe doubling the dose one day because you forgot the last day wasn't a good idea, but hopefully you'll come through it OK. Just keep watching reruns of "The Black Sheep Squadron" and everything will be just fine. America is a happy place. Royal Robbins is a great man and his accomplishments will never be forgotten. Don't ever worry about that internet thing again, it will go away. Harry Truman is President. The world is safe. There now, don't you feel better? Note: There is a small chance that if you scored in this demographic you are Ken Nichols. This is unlikely however, because Ken Nichols can't read. -1768 to -11 points: You are John Sherman Sorry, the Girls Gone Wild question was specifically designed by the feminist portion of Cosmo's staff to ferret you out. It's time to take responsibility for all those route names at Heuco Tanks. You may be one of the great boulderers in American history, but lets face it: Beer, Pizza, and a Three Foot Toothless Girl won't be on Gloria Steinham's ticklist when she visits Heuco. As penance you will be forced to rap-bolt and chip a new route onto the south face of the Grampa Peabody boulder. Please make it .13d and easier if you're tall. |
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