NEB’s Fashion Emergency
Lets face it. We’re a funny looking bunch of people. Not genetically, not due to heinous disfigurement, but due to fashion. Climbers are a generally good-looking people who’ve got little or no idea how to dress themselves.
It seems like everywhere we go somebody’s all tricked out in something that they think looks great. Trouble is, it’s rarely the case. Starting awhile back, Alyssa and I began keeping track of some of our favorite climbing fashion faux pas. These are problems that we’ve noticed people having coast to coast. It is by no means a complete guide to proper climbing modes of dress. But it should steer you away from anything that will keep you from finding partners at the gym. Enjoy.
1. It’s never OK to wear socks under your climbing shoes
This one is obvious. You all know this already, but I thought it might be a good idea to form some common ground before people start to get offended. Unless you are struggling across the summit ridge of the Gasherbrums there is no need for socks underneath your rock shoes. Good, we can move on.
2. The longer layer MUST go on top.
This is one of the most heinous, and sadly one of the most frequent fashion crimes committed by climbers. You may never, under any circumstances, even if not climbing at all is the only alternative, wear shorts over long underwear or sweat pants. Dressing like a superhero stopped being cool when you were six. If you must wear shorts over sweat pants, you might as well go all the way. Throw a towel around your neck like a cape, some tighty whiteys on your head, and paint a picture of a bat on your chest. At least this way people might not recognize you.
This rule also applies for your upper body. Although I sometimes find myself wearing a T-shirt over a long underwear shirt, it never looks good. Unless you have just come in from chopping and stacking no less than one full cord of wood, you may not wear a long sleeve shirt under a short sleeved one. Professional lumberjacks can pull this off, but only in winter.
3. The Gusseted Crotch
This is where I’m going to start offending people, but somebody’s got to say that the Emperor has no clothes on and my big mouth is just the one to do it. Pants with a gusseted crotch are the worst invention in the history of climbing clothing. The bottom line: Pants with a gusseted crotch look for all the world like you’ve dropped a load in them. A big one.
Clothing companies and gear geeks will tell you that the gusseted crotch allows you greater flexibility, and prevents the seams from ripping. But think on this: Listening to the climbing clothing industry for fashion advice is relying on the same gene pool that gave birth to the Big Bro’ and the Portaledge. You don’t go to your mechanic to ask what music to play in your car stereo, and you shouldn’t get the folks at Cordless to dress you for cragging. And honestly, who among us is really flexible enough to rip the crotch out of our pants? Besides, climbing using your hip flexibility is so 1989. Patrick Edlinger can argue that he needed a gusseted crotch in his pants for the finals at Snowbird. Chris Sharma has never split the crotch of his pants while campusing the finals at the PCA.
I’ve just offended 2 out of every 3 climbers (this is my informal guess at how many climbers wear a gusseted crotch pant) and every climbing clothing company except Verve. So, while I’m at it…
4. Easy on the Verve.
Now this may be a surprise to many people in their mid to late thirties, but Verve clothing doesn’t look good anymore. In 1995, if you were a supermodel, Verve looked good on you. It was cut for the upper 1% of the population who would look good wearing a burlap sack. Unfortunately most people I know aren’t supermodels and although a few of them can bring it off, more often than not it just doesn’t work out.
If you run into Gisele wearing Verve and cranking laps on The Mandala there is a good chance that wearing Verve might seem like a good idea. But remember, this is the best case scenario for wearing Verve. There is a 99.9% chance that the person you are watching climb is not the best case scenario. For any of us who are not supermodel material, wearing Verve to keep us from being too funny-looking is about as effective as wearing vertical stripes to make us look skinnier. Last time I tried the stripes thing I looked like a tall candy cane with spindly legs, and the last time I tried wearing Verve I looked like a skinny Wharf on Star Trek. Roar.
If you’re not swayed by the above arguments, then consider the following: ¾ length pants on men. ‘Nuff said.
5. Your harness was designed to be worn while rock climbing. ONLY while rock climbing.
Little known fact: NOONE in the entire history of rock climbing has EVER looked good wearing a harness.
If you are wearing Verve pants right now you are probably also wearing your harness (people with the Verve issue usually have the harness issue as well). You may be at home or in your office, but there it is, securely fastened ready to be used at a moment’s notice. But you know what? It just ain’t right!
Now you may be an entirely liberated person. Very secure with your penis size, or how your ass looks when your pants are squeezed tight against it. But guess what? The people around you just don’t need to know! It’s a classic case of TMI (Too Much Information). I didn’t ask and I don’t want to know.
Everywhere you go to climb routes, whether a sport crag or a gym, if you are going to stop climbing for more than 15 or 20 minutes you must remove your harness. It is acceptable to leave your harness on for up to 20 minutes only if you are resting for another burn. This would seem to be pure common sense. However we have witnessed people hiking between crags with their harness still firmly in place. For this there is no excuse. If your bag is packed, and your sneakers are tied, you may not still be wearing your harness.
Similar problems exist at the gym. You wouldn’t cruise into Starbucks for your morning Latte suited up for an extended hanging belay, therefore if you leave the immediate climbing portion of your gym for a snack at the juice bar, or to run out and get something from your car you must remove your harness. I can’t emphasis this enough. There may be children around. Do it for the children.
6. They’re RUNNING shorts, that’s why they call them that.
You may not, ever, under any circumstances, even if the only alternative is to wear shorts over sweatpants, wear running shorts while rock climbing. Again this should be obvious, but we’ve all been traumatized after glancing up at just the wrong moment.
This is the most heinous, terrible, inconsiderate rock climbing fashion crime ever committed. Running shorts were designed for four and a half-foot tall people who can run a marathon faster than it takes most people to finish their morning coffee. They look better on tiny people and besides, even if they do look bad they’re going by so fast that you can’t tell anyways. I don’t care if you’re a hairless, steroid jacked version of Brad Pitt. Nobody needs to see that much of you.
Note: This rule doesn’t apply to women.
7. Spandex
Little known fact: Wearing spandex does not make you appear to be skinnier. It makes you appear to be you, wearing spandex.
The spandex situation is similar to the Verve situation only worse. If you’re a supermodel cool, go on with your bad self. Sadly you are reading my column on newenglandbouldering.com. Therefore you are not a supermodel. Therefore you may not wear spandex. Again the reasons for this should be obvious. Particularly if you are a man. TMI baby, TMI.
There are other reasons why spandex is a bad choice. The most common reason is that if your fashion sense is so bad that you are wearing spandex, then you are probably wearing white cotton underwear underneath it. This can be seen. It really does look as bad as it sounds. Think baby seals in an oil spill, or you parents running naked through your office. It’s that bad. No really.
There are other fashion disasters commonly found in the climbing community. Too much Prana comes to mind, puffy down jackets on skinny people, pants pulled up too high (this is mostly a European problem) etc… But if you can avoid the seven deadly sins listed above you’re off to a good start. Be honest with yourself when evaluating how bad you look at the crag, and if you think there’s no problem at all you might be in real trouble. Especially if you think you can get away with wearing Verve, or spandex, or running shorts. Remember denial ain’t just a river in Egypt, and you may need help. Good luck!
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