The Great Indoors
"It's Gym Life, But Not As We Know It"
by Barney Waters

One day he's there, Homeless Eddie, sitting on my front steps drinking vodka for breakfast with wheezing breath that could power the Space Shuttle. The next day he's gone, shacked up at the Pine Street Inn, not to be seen or heard of until Spring. Seasons change in New England, and they change fast. When Eddie leaves my steps I know it's winter, and I begrudgingly put the Misty into storage and prepare myself for the Rock Gym. The fact is that New England is seriously cold during the winter, so unless you're a Lincoln Woods local you'll be heading indoors as soon as the first sniff of snow comes rolling in from the North. If there was a West Pole, this would be it.

While the friction is prime now, it wont be forever. Eddie's looking decidedly less cheerful and there's only so much warmth in November that his 1984 Phoenix Suns sweatshirt can retain. He'll be off to Pine Street soon, and that's the sign, so I urge you to begin preparing for the winter season in the gym By way of helping with the transition I've compiled a checklist to be used at your discretion.....

The Approach. You cannot be wandering into the gym wearing that suit, even if you've come straight from the office. While the gym is no longer the last bastion of the hairy male loner with a deathwish and gym goers are far more a mixed corporate crowd these days, that's no excuse. Simply put, there's no place in a climbing gym for Cape Cod casual.

The Entrance. Your entrance into the gym is key. If you thought it was busy at the Meadows, as you walk into the gym you'll feel like you're in the mosh pit at a Korn concert and someone's pulled the fire alarm. Pay your money as soon as you can and if you're asked whether you've taken a belay test before, laugh loudly and proclaim "If I didn't drop anyone on the Nose, then I'll probably be OK in here". Once the transaction is complete, it pays to hang around the front desk for a while. Gym climbing is growing rapidly in popularity these days, and as a result your local gym is likely filling up fast with lots of new climbers taking their first plastic steps. It's therefore important to differentiate yourself from the beginners who've only just passed their belay test and to establish with everyone in earshot that you're the real deal. Volume is the key as you're aiming for maximum range. Be sure to discuss at length any recent outing that involved "Bomber granite", "A forced bivy on the 34th pitch" or " A fun little .12 that was deceptively cruxy". Lastly, you'll want a couple of injuries to show for your efforts, so tape up the fingers and then limp towards the changing area, you've got work to do.

The Clothing. It might be winter but that's no excuse for long sleeves. Pair of shorts, wool hat. Anything more is simply going to restrict movement. If you plan on roping up during the session you're going to need that harness, but if you're a boulderer make it look like you have forgotten how to put it on, reinforcing that notion by holding it aloft and saying "hello old friend" with a melancholy air about you. Comment to any passing climbers on how you had to brush off the cobwebs and that the harness hasn't seen action since "the '96 Pakistan expedition". Another alternative, which I've seen used to good effect, is to establish your trad experience by leaving a few pieces of gear on your harness. There's an added bonus here as you'll draw lots of attention as you make dynamic movements, causing the spare gri gri, the nut tool and your 10 cams to jangle. And while we're on the subject of clothing may I point out that although climbing barefoot might be very spiritual, just because it's good enough for Chris Sharma doesn't make it right. My hands and your sweaty feet should never share a surface.

The Warm Up. After a couple of windmills with the arms, touch your toes once. That's the job done unless there are any attractive people within close range, in which case you should practice some technical yoga poses culminating in a headstand finale, followed by as many push ups as you can muster. Increase the heavy, strenuous breathing in direct relation to the amount of people within earshot. Men near a crowd should go directly to the campus board as it's common knowledge that women find displays of macho strength impressive and attractive.

The Workout. Aim for the cave, or failing that, the most overhanging wall in the gym. Slabs are for wimps, everybody knows that. If you're alone find other boulderers working a problem and join in. Try not to talk to them initially, instead keep a little distance and do some stretching. Once they have a few failed attempts, walk up to the problem and flash it and then walk off to another problem. Nonchalance is the key. Stay focused on establishing superiority and do not hang out and enjoy the climbing, that's not the point here.

Traversing is also an essential element of the gym session, and allows you to make the most of all available terrain that the gym has to offer. If two beginners are tieing in to toprope a route, run laps on the traverse, stopping only on crimps to let them go up past you, explaining that you've 'found a rest you could each lunch on' while hiding the tendon pain from showing on your face. However, be careful when traversing the base of walls with climbers above as the last time I did this I ended up wearing a poor young lady as a hat.

The Beta. Be aware that gym holds are clearly marked and made of plastic so you'll have to change some of your descriptors as you bark beta at your partner. As you're packed into the gym like sardines in a tin you'll need to speak up to be heard. Shout loud and be specific to help your partner get the send, for example "LEFT FOOT TO THE GREEN HALF BANANA THING, RIGHT HAND TO THE PINK DOG BOWL". If you happen to see someone on another route who looks like they need help, feel free to shout some guidance from across the gym...."HEY, YOU IN THE GREEN SHORTS! YES YOU. USE YOUR LEFT HAND ON THE PURPLE BRAIN BLOB AND BRING YOUR RIGHT FOOT OUT TO THE ORANGE BOOB".

The Exit. Peel off your shoes and quickly place them into a radioactive-proof titanium canister, saving the lives of thousands. Hack up a chalky lung and make for the door. Before you leave the gym, check the notice board to see who's selling a crappy truck this week. Also, check out all the people who bought the wrong sized shoes. I did the same thing, not believing the hype that shoes need to be quite as tight as an ant's ass on a frosty morning. Assuming you have enough forearm strength left to turn the ignition, fire up the car, get home and rest up for next time.

In conclusion, as the long New England winter trudges on and while Homeless Eddie finds comfort under a green army blanket at Pine Street with a mug full of whiskey laced tea, I will find comfort at the rock gym. I only hope that when we're reunited on my front steps in the Spring that my body has benefitted from the time spent indoors just like his odor has... and got a whole lot stronger. See you in there!

Disclaimer: Barney is a regular at the Boston Rock Gym and in an effort to make sure he's still allowed in, would like to point out the tongue in cheek nature of this article, and would like to thank everyone at the BRG for the many nights of climbing he's enjoyed there.

Disclaimer

Bouldering is dangerous. You could be seriously injured or killed. Do not attempt any of the problems described in this web page unless you have the expertise to do so. NewEnglandBouldering.com does not assume any liability for your safety or well being.